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What Is G-d Doing…and Being Salt

July 10, 2010

I don’t always understand what is going on in life. I mean…life is often times downright hard! For some reason…I had these dreams in my head of life getting easier when I got older. Well…at this point it sure isn’t my reality. Life is still very challenging.

My situation is very different from what I pictured it would be when I reached this age. In some ways, life is better than it was many years ago. I am married to a man who does love me…and who is willing to make sacrifices necessary to making a marriage really work. He is at least willing to work with my brokenness.

My living situation, however, is another story. It is really challenging and my PTSD does not help one bit. Actually, it is truly amazing that I do as well as I do…even though I feel as if I am  not really doing well at all. There are times when the walls are closing in on me and I wonder how much more I can take. Yet…I always get through it. I know that my Abba is always with me…helping me through this. I know it is Him for I know my brokenness and my inability to cope with this on my own.

I have come to realize that life just does not really get any easier. Or at least it sure does not appear to be going in that direction right now. It seems that there will always be challenges. I pray that I will not shrink from them…just as Yeshua did not shrink from the greatest challenge laid before Him on my behalf. I try to rest in His healing Shalom…to just lean on Him and listen for His voice. Sometimes, I can do that. Sometimes, I can’t. Therein lies some of the struggle. And some of the struggle comes from things I have no control over. I cannot stop my situation from effecting me. What I can do is to cry out to Him. I can choose to trust Him in the midst of it all.

There is one thing that does help. My faith is stronger…more mature. I have seen G-d move in my life in incredible ways and I have seen His faithfulness to bring me through things. I have seen how He can have a plan even when I do not see it in the moment. That is because there have been times when I was able to see the plan later…to see how what I was going through brought about something positive, either for me or for someone else. He showed me His glory in some of the things I have gone through.

So what is G-d doing? At times, in the details, I have no idea. In the larger picture, however, I am confident that He is indeed doing something wonderful. It is important that I hold on for the ride…to the very end. I have seen His faithfulness. I look forward to the end of things when the perfect will come and all will be changed. In the meantime, I want to be found to be faithful. Life is hard work. I do not want to shirk. I want to be salt in His hands that He can sprinkle wherever He wants.

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